These words were written in a moment when I needed someone to speak them to me. It’s about porn usage and the effect my husband’s has had on me at times. I’m praying these words might speak to you, if you have ever stood in front of the mirror as I have – or perhaps your spouse has been the one to stand in front of the mirror and you’ll see a reflection of them here. I wrote these a while ago and am only just sharing. I hope they bless you somehow.
In these times when sinful lust drives him to porn, you find yourself gazing into the mirror for moments more than you mean to. You analyse the hips he holds when you dance together and wonder if perhaps they’re too wide. You peer at the blemishes on your face – the ones that don’t bother you much of the time – and see black marks labelling you unworthy. You glance at your stomach with stretch marks that tell stories of struggle and change and decide that these are shameful now. Your view of yourself in these times is what you think he must see, because if he saw differently he would not see fit to seek pleasure in porn.
But in these times, we must remember that when he looks at porn it may leave us wounded, but porn is not a weapon they wield against us, it is a hot plate they left burning overnight that we are harmed by as we sleepily brew tea the next morning. This porn is not their weapon against us. We are merely collateral damage of their carelessness. It is because of this that in these times we must not cling to their view of us – whether our perception as we spend too long in the mirror is correct or not. It is not their perception that will secure us and bring us some sort of salve for these wounds.
We must see ourselves through the eyes of another. We must see ourselves through the eyes of one who sees clearly. His eyes are not foggy with sin. He sees truly and completely and he sees us as holy and wholly loved. He truly does.
He sees you. He sees your hurt and he sees your heart and he knows that you loathe this body of yours. He sees that pain and he calls you beautiful – and it has nothing to do with what you saw in the mirror. He sees hands that work for the good of others and knees worn from crouching before children to speak gently to them. He sees your eyes worn from crying and longs to wipe those tears away but in the meantime he would have you hold on and search hard for beauty in these moments, see grace and cling to it – for yourself and for your husband. You both need it now. When you cling to grace, which is the most beautiful reality we can gaze upon, you’ll find that this walk is a little easier because you know that He sees you – and He will not abandon you.
He longs to clothe you in beauty and holiness. You wear clothes these days that cover your form because you feel shame, or in brave moments, you expose yourself to show your husband that you can try… Even though you’re not sure it’ll ever be enough. The clothing that the One who sees longs to clothe you in is armour for each day and it shows who you truly are. His beauty is everlasting and comes from relying on him in each moment of both strength and weakness, in joy and sorrow. His holiness is radiant and comes from walking in His ways at your best and worse and being who he made you to be. We only see whispers of these eternal garments in these days, like accessories that hint at an outfit to come. But one day we will be fully clothed in his beauty and holiness. On that day, we will be so sure of our beauty that no mirror nor man could make us doubt because it will be a perfect reflection of our Saviour’s beauty.
In these times, when our husbands give into sinful lust and look to porn for satisfaction, we cannot look to our husbands to heal us. We must look to the saviour – Jesus Christ, the Holy one who sees us truly – and He will continue that healing work that was begun when we lay our crowns at his feet. We must look away from the mirror and see more than our flaws – we must see His holiness. His beauty. And he will clothe us in it.
In these times, He is there. In the hurt, he is here. In the betrayal, he is here. Friend, look away from your imperfections in that mirror and look to His perfection in the Word… There is hope and healing there if we care to look to the One who sees. Please, look to Him – and remind those who are aching just as you are to look to Him too. It’s what we need in these times.