I failed. I walked away and I decided that it was too hard, too much, and too painful. I made the decision with a heart heavy with the weight of failure and light with the hope of better days to come. It was such a strange tension to be sitting in. When I walked away, I got onto a train and travelled back to the city.
It was the middle of the afternoon and there was a coffee festival on at the Rocks. I’d seen it advertised and I’d thought that it’d be nice to go, but knew that I was busy. Except suddenly, I wasn’t. I wasn’t busy any longer and I got off the train at Circular Quay and wandered around, drinking approximately ten shots of coffee in the next two hours and revelling in the joy that came from knowing that perhaps this weeping that had lasted for months was over. It was over, and I had coffee, and the sun was shining and if I’m honest, I was terrified too.
I was terrified because that afternoon, I didn’t know what was next and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I’d find a way to pay the rent. I didn’t know if the next step would be as difficult as the last. That afternoon, I pushed aside the fear that was creeping in and celebrated for the moment, and decided sometime after the fourth coffee that I’d trust God to lead me where he wanted me. I had to trust him because the decision to walk away had been one made after praying and talking and praying some more, and it seemed like the choice He would want for me, but this next step…
Well, I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I had coffee and no idea how to pay the rent.
God didn’t make millions appear in my bank account that week. He didn’t partner me up with a rich man who would take care of me forever and ever. He did, however, lead me somewhere new, somewhere that reminded me of His love, His grace, and the joy He gives us in serving him. And I’m still there.
I still feel like I failed sometimes, but that coffee filled afternoon when I walked away was the beginning of something new, and I’m so thankful for it (and it isn’t just the coffee speaking…).