The Fault Was Mine.

The Aussie Spartan Race Street Team are wise. This post came out of a discussion with some of them. 

The last thing I want to admit is that my unhealthy body was my own fault. There are so many ways around admitting such a truth. I can blame the big ‘d’ word, ‘depression’, or I can blame the advertisers for making junk food look so good, or perhaps I can shift the blame to the school system for letting me get away with never lifting a finger (honestly, when we did swimming at school for 8 weeks I told them every week that I had my period. Really, guys, really?). Thing is, it’s none of their faults. I knew my body wasn’t in a good state, but I refused to take ownership of that. It was never my fault, always someone else to blame, and therefore someone else’s job to fix.

Someone else needed to do the hard work for me. Then, maybe, I could be healthy. If they made it so that it didn’t make my muscles ache, or stop me from eating huge bowls of pasta, then I could do it. I could fix it… but only if someone else did all the work.

Oh, how wrong I was. My weight, and the problems that came along with it, was my own fault. I did it. I made those choices. When I learned Greek, I had to learn to understand the difference between passive and active voices. We can actually blame the school system for not teaching me such grammatical ideas. Passive means something is done to me. Active is me doing something.

1209432_10201242884927861_1316324459_nI ate the food. I sat on my couch. I hid in stories. I let depression win. It was me.

And the biggest shift that’s had to happen in the last few years is acknowledging that, and setting about changing it. Yes, I screwed up my body, but if I change my choices and choose to fight, then this body of mine that was so weak and worn gradually gets stronger, and it has gotten stronger and stronger. It’s the choice to fight. It’s the choice to take responsibility and not be passive in my health, but active instead. Today, even though my mind was clouded with depression, I took on 11km with a friend and came home feeling better. That’s active. Not passive.

My unhealthy body was my fault.

My healthy body? That’s my responsibility too.

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One thought on “The Fault Was Mine.

  1. This is really good. I need to come to the point where I realize that I have done this to myself also. I have let myself get extremely overweight and I hid behind humor. I have always joked about my weight and it was great, I made people laugh and no one usually made fun of me. But I need to realize that I am not going to get healthy just sitting around.

    Like

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