There are days when my mind races with doubts and each heart beat makes me feel the weight of depression a little bit more. There are days when the sunshine outside seems like the world’s way of making fun of me for being in such a cloudy mood. Today is one of those days.
I’ve been wrestling with words that wont come out right; phrases that seem like pretty prose, but will never mean anything. I’ve been fighting with myself to make plans to get to a lunch tomorrow with a prospective employer; the voice in my head telling me that I should just not bother – that they wont want me anyway. I’ve been waiting for an e-mail that I’m not sure will arrive; a confirmation or a denial of my dreams for next year.
There are days like today when I know that depression is stronger than my smile, and these days are less and less common. These days used to be normal days. These days used to define me, but today is just a day and it is okay that I am not completely okay.
For today, I’ll seek solace in strawberries and coffee, and listen to music that sings the words I can’t manage to speak, and tomorrow I will write those words, and I will go to lunch, because depression is not who I am.
It is okay for today, though.
Because, there are days like today.
And they’re not everyday.